“My Acceptance of a Lack of Control Gave me the Gift of Control”

Hey QT’s!

So on Sunday morning, I woke up in a funk. The night before, I worked a crazy late shift and I had to be back the next morning bright and early to start at 8am. I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to, ya know...relieve myself, and I felt sooooo uneasy walking to the bathroom. Why? I went back to sleep and a few hours later, I got up and started getting ready for work. I felt groggy and sad. Before I left the house, my other half kept asking me what was wrong and I looked up and said, “nothing, I’m just tired and I don’t want to go to work.” Driving for 25 minutes bumping to J. Cole’s Born Sinner album on volume 18 with the bass BOOMING, I honestly wasn't okay, I was thinking about all of the things I experienced over the past month. Damn, if you only knew my life and the shit that comes with it. I had no kind of control of the things that were happening to me and sometimes, I find myself wishing that I had more control of certain parts of my life.

I finally got into work and was bum rushed with people checking out and asking for directions on the easiest route to get home and how much they “love my hair.” Oh, if you couldn’t tell, I work at a hotel where people aren’t too fond of well-spoken and well-dressed Black girls with kinky hair.

I had a little bit of downtime at my computer and my fingers started typing and lo and behold I ended up typing S...Z...A into the Google search engine. Ever since her album dropped over the summer, I was going through a lot of crap that really made me feel uneasy, but at the same time, I was in a good place. I went out more, I started a new job, I did ratchet things with my friends, all while being reminded that I have to work on my confidence by numerous people. I published this blog and knew that this was going to be my new baby. I stumbled across a Pitchfork article by Matthew Schnipper and my eyes couldn't leave the screen. My entire mood changed and reading her interview with him, I felt like I gained a new best friend. LOL. Her tone, her swag, her realness was all too similar to the way I describe myself at most.

Schnipper asked her a question that I, too, wanted to know. He asked, “Why did you name the album Ctrl?" SZA described control as being elusive and how she doesn’t have control over her life except for the fact she has control over herself and her intention. I was blown away.

Over the past couple of months, I have learned that not everyone will believe or approve of who you really are as a person, a friend, or loved one. Some are so damn consumed in everything else but the truth is that not everyone is who they say they are. We have to remember that we have no control over how things plan out and sometimes that can be scary. I’m starting to learn how to look fear in the eyes and take control of the things that I’m able to. I have the power to be my realest self on this blog. I have the power to walk tall and let the haters hate. I have the power to accept things as they are. I have the power to let go and let God.

She ended her interview in one captivating sentence that inspired me to write this blog post in the first place. She said, “My acceptance of a lack of control gave me the gift of control.” Hence the title of this article.

Yeah. DEEP.

Stay beautiful!

#SZA #Control #Crtl #Blogger #RB